Things you should do if you feel uncomfortable with your lover's words and actions

A small sign caught by the antenna in your heart

"Huh, that's kind of weird..."

When we suddenly feel uncomfortable with our lover's words and actions, our minds are sensitive to small changes, just like a high-performance antenna. This is due to the mental function of our "cognition."

Oguri

I'm a sparkly girl, but I feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend - a little worried

What is cognition?

In psychology, "cognition" refers to the process in which we receive information from the outside world, understand and interpret it. Through past experiences and learning, we have our own "cognitive filters" and we recognize the world through that.

For example, people who have been betrayed by their lover in the past may negatively interpret their partner's trivial behavior, saying, "Maybe they'll be betrayed again..." This can be said to be a state in which past experiences affect the "cognitive filter" and become overly vigilant.

In other words, when we feel a sense of discomfort, it is not necessarily based solely on objective facts, but it is possible that our own "cognition" has a major influence.

A journey to explore the true nature of the discomfort from within the heart

In order to unravel the true nature of the discomfort, it is necessary to analyze the situation calmly and objectively, just like a detective.

Notice of cognitive bias

First, let's understand the "cognitive bias" that we tend to fall into.

1. Confirmation bias: A tendency to collect only information that supports your own ideas and ignore inconvenient information. For example, if you think "He's been cold these days," you may wonder if even his kind words and actions are behind the scenes, "Is there something behind it?"
   
2. Halo effect: One good feature tends to affect all other evaluations. For example, if you think "he's always kind", even if you sometimes act cold, you may interpret it in a positive way, saying, "Something must have happened."
   
3. Emotional heuristics and tendency to make judgments based on emotions. For example, if you feel a lot of anxiety, you tend to think of everything your lover's words and actions negatively.
   
4. By realizing cognitive bias, you can determine whether your interpretations are based on objective facts or due to emotions and assumptions.

Understanding attachment styles

"Attachment style" refers to the way of behavior in interpersonal relationships formed from parent-child relationships in childhood.

1. People who have built a stable, stable attachment relationship with their parents tend to have a sense of trust and security even when they are in relationships with others.
   
2. People who have an unstable attachment relationship with their parents are more likely to be abandoned and more likely to be sensitive to the other person's words and actions.
   
3. People who have not been able to build an aversive relationship with their parents tend to avoid intimate relationships with others and be less likely to express their emotions.
   
4. By understanding your attachment style, you can explore why you are more likely to feel uncomfortable with your lover's words and actions, and why. For example, people with an anxiety-type attachment style tend to be sensitive to minor changes in their partners and feel more likely to feel anxious, thinking, "Maybe they've been disliked..."

Deepen mutual understanding through self-disclosure

In psychology, self-disclosure is considered important in building good relationships. Self-disclosure is the honest way to share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others.

For example, by honestly expressing your feelings, saying, "Lately, your attitude has been feeling a little cold and lonely," it makes it easier for the other person to open up. However, when disclosing yourself, it is important to try to convey your feelings rather than blaming the other person.

Once you understand the true nature of the therapy called dialogue, which ensures psychological safety - the feeling of discomfort, let's move the relationship between the two in a better direction through dialogue with him.

Hana

I also try to express my feelings honestly.

Have an empathetic understanding

First, try to understand why he said and did this and what it was like. "Empathetic understanding" refers to an attitude of trying to understand the other person's feelings, thinking about them from the other person's perspective.

For example, imagining the other person's situation and feelings, such as "Maybe he is tired from work" or "Maybe it's his own way of expressing his love," makes it easier to control your emotions.

Be prepared for assertive communication

When expressing your feelings, be sure to respect the other person and try to "assertive communication" in which you can express your opinions openly.

1. Aggressive communication and a way of saying things like blaming or attacking the other person. "This is always what you are!"
   
2. Passive communication, how to hold back your feelings and speak in a way that suits the other person. "I don't care," etc.
   
3. Assertive communication and how to express your feelings frankly while respecting the other person. "I feel a little lonely about you," etc.
   
4. By ensuring assertive communication, you can respect each other's feelings and have more constructive discussions.

Respect for "listening" and "approval"

When he speaks, listen carefully to him until the very end. "Listening" means listening while focusing on the other person's story and sympathizing with them.

Then take his words and express his approval, saying, "Yes, that's how you felt." "Approval" means accepting and acknowledging the other person's feelings and thoughts.

Listening and approval helps build trust with others and allow for deeper communication.

"Love" is a source of psychological growth

"Love" is an important source of energy to promote each other's psychological growth.

Strengthening self-esteem and "love" is the power to recognize each other and increase self-esteem. In psychology, self-esteem is considered to be extremely important in maintaining mental health. People with high self-esteem are resistant to stress and can take on difficult situations positively.

By acknowledging each other's good points and praising each other, you can increase your self-esteem.

Drawing psychological boundaries

"Love" is a force that respects each other's psychological boundaries and encourages independence.

A psychological boundary is a line that distinguishes oneself from others' emotions, thoughts and actions. When psychological boundaries are blurred, you may be swayed by the other person's emotions or sacrifice yourself in an attempt to meet the other person's expectations.

It is important to respect each other's boundaries through "love" and grow as an independent individual.

Increase resilience

"Love" is the power to overcome difficult situations, or to increase resilience.

1. Resilience refers to the ability to recover from difficulties and adversity. The stronger the bond between them, the more difficult situations they will be able to overcome.
   
2. The courage to stop is part of resilience. If there is a problem that can't be solved despite their efforts, one of the things that resilience is that it is not forcing the relationship to continue.
   
3. In psychology, behaviours that care about oneself are considered extremely important in maintaining mental health. Sometimes it might be a good idea to stop, face yourself, and look back at what's really important.

Donbei

I have low self-esteem so I learn to love myself.

A sincere cheer for you

You are a very sensitive and kind hearted person. Sometimes it can make your mind feel tired. But you are never alone. You have the right to love and cherish yourself.

And I sincerely hope that your heart will always be filled with warm light. I hope this article will be a small light that will light up the maze of your heart.

Shokey Hayashi

Exorcist/Radionics Technique Researcher

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Born in Aomori Prefecture in 1965, he has been suffering from troubles, illnesses and injuries caused by spiritual phenomena since childhood. However, one day, when he was 20 years old, he attended an event, had a mysterious experience at the venue, and was hit by lightning energy from the heavens, as if piercing the spinal cord from his brain, and his psychic abilities blossomed. He then began studying psychology and psychiatry, and now he has combined psychiatry and consciousness engineering. Established "Radionics exorcism" using our own radionics techniques. "It's possible to treat your fortune" beyond exorcism, memorial service, and healing.